I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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