You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize