I wish I could teleport
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
