I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
