Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
