Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
