I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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