Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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