i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
