SEEEEXXX PLEASE
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
