Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
