Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
