I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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