Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
