The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
