If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize