Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
