so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
