Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize