i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
