Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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