If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
