I look better un-naked...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
