I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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