I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
