i dont even know how to be here
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
