I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
