Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
