Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
