Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
