I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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