i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
