no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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