you didnt know i had herpes?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
