Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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