I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
