I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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