Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
