you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize