he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
