I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
