I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
