Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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