watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
do nipples grow back?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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