I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
