it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
