You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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