just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
