guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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