tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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