cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
