I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just tell him i said nine months
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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