I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think I died a long time ago.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
