I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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