Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
