Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
