Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you would pick up someone in the library
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
