I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
