Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He's a Shit stain on my heart
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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