I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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