My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize