Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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