Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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