u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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